The Secret to Restoring Relationships

We need to practise the art of forgiveness if we wish to restore our relationships. No emotional hurt can be unforgivable. With a little effort, we can put them behind us to effect a reconciliation with our loved ones and friends, thus restoring peace within our minds and hearts

"Forgiveness involves letting go of anger, resentment, hurt and bitterness. It allows us to heal the other and be healed ourselves in the process"

Any relationship between couples, parents and children, siblings, friends or colleagues involves two people, two human beings, neither of whom is perfect. To err is human, as we all know. We have our sins of omission and commission, through which we hurt each other.

Just think of all the actions that strain a relationship – lying, cheating, indifference, apathy, shirking our responsibility, shifting the blame on to the other person, use of abusive language, violence and betrayal. Alas, the bitter truth is that all this happens, not between strangers, but between two people who are very close to each other. Such acts cause emotional injuries which do not heal easily. And relationships are jeopardised.

We need to practise the art of forgiveness if we wish to restore our relationships. No emotional hurt can be unforgivable. With a little effort, we can put them behind us to effect a reconciliation with our loved ones and friends, thus restoring peace within our minds and hearts.

Forgiveness, as in contrast to retaliation, is not an instinctive or spontaneous impulse. If we are hurt, almost as a reflex, we are conditioned to think, “I’ll fight back – I’ll do to you what you did to me.” On the other hand, forgiveness has to be cultivated. It is a well-considered, well-thought out emotional choice that we make to forgive freely, those who have hurt us. For as we all realise, forgiveness does not just consist of mouthing the words, “I forgive you.” It involves letting go of anger, resentment, hurt and bitterness. It allows us to heal the other – and be healed ourselves in the process.

People find it is easier to forgive a stranger or an acquaintance than to forgive a friend or relative,someone whom we know and trust. At such times, we can only tell ourselves that in the end, we are not responsible for what others do to us – only for what we do to them.

There is another important fact that we often overlook in emotional disputes with those who are close to us. Rarely is a dispute one-sided. Somewhere, somehow, we have a share in what we regard as an offence against ourselves. However, in our grief and hurt, we become blind to our own faults, while we magnify the faults of others. A little reflection, a period of calm introspection and a little humility will set the balance right.

Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. It takes strength and courage and a generous spirit to understand that people do not wrong us or hurt us deliberately. Perhaps they could not help it, perhaps they need help, and their harmful actions and hurtful behaviour are nothing but cries for help!

Putting Forgiveness into Practice:

• Forget the past. Someone has said, “More difficult than forgiving others is to forgive oneself.” As we forgive others, let us learn to forgive ourselves. God is the ever-forgiving one and forgives us whenever we go to Him with repentance in our hearts. We need to forgive ourselves. Therefore, let us learn from our mistakes and drop, once and for all, the burden of our errors and sins. Do not carry the heavy load of guilt, resentment and anger into the future. Eventually, the load will break you spiritually and emotionally. Learn your lessons from the mistakes of the past – and forget the mistakes themselves.

• Empty your mind of all negative emotions. Get rid of fear, hatred, envy, and bitterness systematically, when you sit down in silence and reflection.

• Let goodwill flow out of you towards everything and everyone.

• It takes guts to forgive. Cultivate the determination and strength of mind required for forgiveness, so that you can forgive without strain.

• Be aware of your own mistakes. When we consider our own weaknesses, it is easier for us to understand others’ shortcomings.

• Develop positive thoughts about the other person. Speak kindly about him.

• It helps to write a letter or a note of goodwill to the other person. This reinforces your positive feelings, puts them on record, as it were.

• Forgive in the name of the Lord. Forgive others even as He forgives us all for our many failings. Draw your strength and courage from Him, who is the source of all mercy.

  Forgiveness brings profound peace into your life. It enhances the quality of your relationships, your career and your health. It restores the joy and harmony that was absent from your life. It is a great source of healing!