Building beautiful relationships

Parents, spouses, children, family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, superiors, subordinates, employers or employees - every relationship needs to be nurtured with understanding and patience. The secret of successful relationships is to be found in an understanding heart–preferably, your own

A well-known relationship expert remarks that the ego has no relationship skills. Ego tries to manipulate people by adopting various negative techniques like aggression, resistance, withdrawal and intolerance. Our hearts, on the other hand, rely on intuitive techniques like understanding, forgiveness, patience and trust, to nourish our relationships and take them forward. When our understanding hearts win the battle over the ego, relationships flourish; when ego takes over, relationships lose out.

How does ego manifest itself in ruining relationships? The signs are there for us to see:

We expect too much from others, and are not prepared to give as much as we take. We cultivate a sense of entitlement, we imagine that the others are there to do what we need and make life easy for us.

We lap up praise and appreciation, but we are not prepared to appreciate others. We become critical, even judgmental to the point of severity and harshness.

We set impossibly high standards for others, which do not apply to us. We cease to cultivate that wonderful ‘attitude of gratitude’ that makes lives meaningful.

We forget what it is to forgive with an understanding heart. We live under the illusion that we don’t have to apologise under any circumstances.

There are other extremes to which low self-esteem or a negative ego can take us: we may become passive or withdraw altogether; we can become depressed and frustrated; worst of all, we can try to erase our true nature in trying hard to be the kind of person that we imagine the other people expect of us. All this is not selfless; it is self-destructive.

How can we stop our ego from ‘messing around’ with relationships that matter to us? We cannot have ‘theories’ for everything-especially, for getting along with people. No blueprint can give us a preplanned design to organise our lives with other people. Human beings are unique, perhaps somewhat illogical, and definitely un-programmable!

Curbing the destructive ego in relationships: Always look for the merits in others: do not focus on their demerits. The secret of a harmonious and peaceful life is: Focus on people’s merits and strengths and not on their weaknesses and defects.

Develop a healthy sense of humour, especially the wonderful ability to laugh at yourself. Learn to laugh with others; try a smile or a kind wordyou will find that wrongs are easy to set right, and ‘wrong doers’ are set back on the right track!

Life is too short to be small. Let us not be small-minded. Let us be generous with praise, appreciation and encouragement.

When I find fault with others, I regard myself as superior-better than the others. This is pride, this is egoism. This must be overcome if we are to be truly happy.

Take the lead in appreciating others! Do not be calculative in giving and receiving praise. Human relationships thrive on caring, sharing and mutual appreciation.

We often think of our friends, spouses and parents as ‘pillars of strength’, which are always there for our solid support. I urge you to occasionally think of them as precious plants that need constant tending! Give your best to your loved ones and those closest to you.

Do not take people for granted. Many relationships suffer from sheer neglect and indifference. It was a wise man, perhaps, it was a wise woman- who said, “Even love has a shelf life.”

Learn to listen to the people in your life. God gave us two ears but only one tongue in a single mouth. The moral of the story is that we must learn to listen more and talk less.

Value the people around you. Give people what they need and a little more! Let us treat people as we would like to be treated by them. Who are we to judge another’s worth? What if God were to apply the same scales to us as we apply to others? In this aspect, let us err on the side of generosity, compassion and kindness, so that God may look at us with mercy rather than justice.

Accept people as they are, do not try to mould them to suit your temperament and your requirements. Respect the individuality and the identity of others.

Every relationship is unique and special. Parents, spouses, children, family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, superiors, subordinates, employers or employees-every relationship needs to be nurtured with understanding and patience.

The secret of successful relationships is to be found in an understanding heart-preferably, your own!