An expert on corporate merger and acquisition laws, security laws, private equity and project finance, Dr. Zia Mody comes from a hallowed background: daughter of Soli Sorabjee, the illustrious former Attorney General of India, she has proved herself to be her father’s daughter and much more. Founding partner of AZB & Partners, one of India’s leading law firms, Zia is one of India’s foremost corporate attorneys patronized by names like the Tata Group, Reliance Industries, Aditya Birla Group, G.E and Vedanta Group, amongst others.
Her personal life is equally interesting, given that she is a Baha’i by religion, a way of life that calls for utmost equality between all of mankind. While she freely admits her privileged upbringing, she points out that life is also a series of choices, influences, pressures and balance. Amidst all this guilt and worry are a given-one never really stops no matter what age and stage of one’s life is. “Success does come at a huge emotional cost, and the truth is, it is not easy.” While easy may not be a word you associate with her life, it most certainly has been a splendor-ed one. Here is Zia Mody, in her own words at the recently held CII’s Womenation event
My journey has been talked about many times, so my life, in a way, has been a string of lucky breaks. I have three brothers and I was the only daughter, the oldest one to be precise. I had a very strong mother. That fact was critical to my future. I am Baha’i by religion, my mother is a Baha’i. We believe that God has created decreed equality between men and women, so no man can do anything about it.
I always say that equality is defined on the dining table. How your siblings behave, how your parents treat your siblings, the level of confidence that you grow up with as a child-all of these go a long way in defining your journey. And so it is not difficult to extrapolate.
I was argumentative, I had a voice at the table and of course, my parents, particularly my mother pushed for me to get the best possible education. However, all of this also brings out a small problem, pressure.
We go through so many different thought processes in the course of our lives; sometimes we are so happy when we come home, for we have achieved a little a bit of success; at others, we question ourselves why are we doing this. Is it really worth it? I think, my counsel to you is, don’t give up. Nobody is saying that everyday is going to be a happy day. I am managing 400 lawyers, each of who believes he or she is a genius. It is not easy.
Everything has its ups and downs and the real trick is how you cope with the sad days, with the tired days, bad days, despondent days - how can you get over each one at a time, and make a great, new beginning with small, hopeful steps. There is no Big Bang Theory that is going to resolve your problems. Amidst all this, a truth of life is that guilt never goes away, it is just how you manage it. I feel guilty at 62. I feel guilty because I don’t see my grandson; I pray that my three daughters will forgive me for being there as much as I could have.
But you have to find a balance on how to deal with your emotional ups and downs and success really is possible if you can manage your infrastructure.
"My counsel to you is, don’t give up. Nobody is saying that everyday is going to be a happy day. I am managing 400 lawyers, each of who believes he or she is a genius. It is not easy"
From a practical point of view, if we are happy at work, we are not likely to be worried about home. Can we stop worrying? I don’t think so, it is our very nature. But it is also a question of how much we worry, what we do about it and finally, how much we allow ourselves to switch off at the end of the day. So to be successful, create allies. My mother-in-law was major support, I could leave home; I didn’t have to worry, I was okay if my child had a slight fever; I could go to court, I could appeal before the judge; I knew somebody loved my children as much as I did.
The second most important thing is if your mother-in-law is looking after your children, until your husband comes, she is your first ally, so co-ordinate first with your mother-in-law. Forget the traditional competitiveness, was my mother in law’s advice to me when I got married. Girls, why you would not love your husband more because he loves his mother? Why are you even competing for your husband’s affection with his mother; if you look at it logically, it is pretty dumb.
The next thing is your spouse, your husband. If he is not your ally, success is difficult. And the truth is: success comes at a huge emotional cost. Just like we women are stereotyped, so are the men. And that is a limiting factor to the individual as well as to the relationship. But at the end of the day, if there is true respect and mutual understanding-companionship eventually comes.
As your children grow older, they become your allies. I have three daughters and I think after all the many events and the mummy parties that I didn’t attend, I made it a point to attend all the Parent Teacher Association (PTA) meetings. They are proud of that and that is somewhat a reward. So can we have it all? Frankly, I don’t think we can. And that is okay. If we have what makes us happy, that is a success. However, each one’s level of satisfaction of success is different.
While it is still a man’s world, you can work on the men. I think gradually they are waking up to the fact that women’s contribution is invaluable. Nobody is doing women favor beyond a point. Women are bringing immense value to industry, so an organization would be pretty stupid to let them go. But a grim fact is that in today’s India, the statistics indicate that 48% of women drop out at different points of their careers, so this is the leaky pipeline that needs to be fixed. If you see the World Bank, women are India’s lowest hanging fruit. Also if you think about what everybody is saying, the world’s last arbitrage is women. We are the opportunity the world is waiting for and we have a duty and responsibility to see that the sisterhood increases and the sisterhood thrives-however challenging.
"While it is still a man’s world, you can work on the men. I think gradually they are waking up to the fact that women’s contribution is invaluable. Nobody is doing women a favor beyond a point. Women are bringing immense value to industry, so an organization would be pretty stupid to let them go"
But at the end of the day, how do you get your career to stay on track? These are some lessons that I have learnt, with a little bit of friction in the beginning, coupled with a ruthless dedication to staying focused.
I will not do what I don’t have to do. I don’t want to do things that take up time which can be spent way more productively, like for instance, spending time with my children or husband or spending more time with people I like.
Allow me to offer some tips: every now and then, take stock of your own achievements, not in an arrogant way, but in order to reassure yourself. I think we need time to reflect, to pat our own backs a bit and enjoy the journey we have made so far.
The one fun time I have is when I get together with other strong women. We talk about inane things but it is a bonding to be sure, it is a reassurance, a re-calibration of tips which we can pick up from each other. The celebration of our lives is important. Each one has a feeling that they have achieved something, that’s what makes them move on.
There is a reason why they say women are from Venus and men are from Mars, we are wired differently. If two young lawyers, a boy and a girl, are summoned to my room over some mistake, both respond differently. The poor girl is so ashamed that she would like to jump off the 23rd floor, while the guy is thinking of who else is responsible.
Women, due to their conditioning, tend to be less confident than men. We feel that it is always our fault when things go wrong; it is the collective brainwashing of our gender over centuries.
To that extent, I think part of your success is going to be to the ability to retrain how you think. That said, there is a difference between confidence and overconfidence over appraisal. Communicate well, communicate clearly and I think for most of us, we often, to our detriment, communicate way too honestly. So as a lawyer, it becomes very difficult because I am negotiating, and as I get older, I get more to the point, for there is not much time. When I see three points that are pretty easily solvable, there is no need to have a 45-minute discussion on the same. So as women, we need to get to the right place quickly; for us, time is the enemy, less time, more guilt, more stress this the story of our lives.
"You will get passionate if you are confident about what you know. If you are confident about what you know in your domain, if you have domain, you have value, the workforce will find a way to get back to you. This becomes easier when heads of organizations are women, as women are nimble and flexible"
So to sustain amidst all this, the first thing you need to do is stay passionate. If you don’t actually love what you do, you won’t do it forever or long enough, because it will not be worth the pain or the effort or even the bickering at home, possibly. So stay passionate. If you feel that you are worn out, that is not the reason to quit; that is the reason to take a bit of a break, that’s all.
Plus, it is important for you to have a network where you can talk to each other, cry and laugh about things. The size of the network does not count. Even if you have 7-8 people in your network, believe me, it is more than enough. It just helps you to get through to the next day.
At the end of the day, we are completely relevant to the world in every way; no one can deny we are the only mothers God has produced. No one can deny we are the world’s last arbitrage and nobody can deny that we have a wonderful blend of EQ and IQ so we have to take advantage of all this and really apply it to our day to day lives. If you have passion you may get the domain. You will get passionate if you are confident about what you know. If you are confident about what you know in your domain, you have value, the workforce will find a way to get back to you. This becomes easier when heads of organizations are women, as women are nimble and flexible.
If you are open-minded and open enough to speak your mind, the organization gets to know what you want. I have a very simple solution - if I know somebody is getting married or someone is about to have a child, I call them in my room and say, take a piece of paper and write down your priorities and challenges. I say, keep this and after one year bring it back and so everything we go through, is virtually the same. We stress as young wives, we stress as first-time mothers and we are always going to have that problem - that is life. The issue is how you deal with it. I have a young mother who just had a baby 4-5 months ago. No parents from either side in Mumbai and I tell you she is currently top of my list for perseverance and passion. She came to me and said: I really want to come back. She asked for a chance and little place to keep the baby, as there wasn’t anyone at home she could rely on. So I did that.
She made the tiny space bright, airy, and installed a full-time nurse she could afford as she’s earning well. I don’t know what she does for the kid but he doesn’t cry. Hats off to her. There’s a lot of women can do with the right support and push.
By Vinita Deshmukh
