When you notice that you are feeling jealous, take a moment, breathe slowly, and observe your thoughts and feelings. Recognise that jealous thoughts are not the same things as REALITY
People have different reasons in different cultures for being jealous. But jealousy is a universal emotion. Evolutionary psychologist David Buss in The Dangerous Passion makes a good case that jealousy has evolved as a mechanism to defend our interests. After all, our ancestors who drove off competitors were more likely to have their genes survived. Indeed, intruding males (whether among lions or humans) have been known to kill off the infants or children of the displaced male. Jealousy was a way in which vital interests could be defended.
We believe that it is important to normalise jealousy as an emotion. Telling people that “You must be neurotic if you are jealous” or “You must have low self-esteem” will not work. In fact, jealousy—in some cases—may reflect high self-esteem: “I won’t allow myself to be treated this way”.
Psychologists—especially psychoanalysts— have looked at jealousy as a sign of deep-seated insecurities and personality defects. We view jealousy as a much more complicated emotion. In fact, jealousy may actually reflect your higher values of commitment, monogamy, love, honesty, and sincerity. You may feel jealous because you want a monogamous relationship and you fear that you will lose what is valuable to you. We find it helpful to validate these values in our patients who are jealous.
Just as there is a difference between feeling angry and acting in a hostile way, there is a difference between feeling jealous and acting on your jealousy. It’s important to realise that your relationship is more likely to be jeopardised by your jealous behaviour—such as continual accusations, reassurance-seeking, pouting, and acting-out. Stop and say to yourself, “I know that I am feeling jealous, but I don’t have to act on it.”
Notice that it is a feeling inside you. But you have a choice of whether you act on it.
When you notice that you are feeling jealous, take a moment, breathe slowly, and observe your thoughts and feelings. Recognise that jealous thoughts are not the same thing as a REALITY. You may think that your partner is interested in someone else, but that doesn’t mean that he really is. Thinking and reality are different.
You don’t have to obey your jealous feelings and thoughts.
Notice that your feeling of anger and anxiety may increase while you stand back and observe these experiences. Accept that you can have an emotion—and allow it to be. You don’t have to “get rid of the feeling”. We have found that mindfully standing back and observing that a feeling is there can often lead to the feeling weakening on its own.
Like many worries, jealousy seeks certainty. “I want to know for sure that he isn’t interested in her”. Or, “I want to know for sure that we won’t break up”. Ironically, some people will even precipitate a crisis in order to get the certainty. “I’ll break off with her before she breaks off with me!”
But uncertainty is part of life and we have to learn how to accept it. Uncertainty is one of those limitations that we can’t really do anything about. You can never know for sure that your partner won’t reject you. But if you accuse, demand and punish, you might create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
"Your jealousy may be fuelled by unrealistic ideas about relationships. These may include beliefs that past relationships (that your partner had) are a threat to your relationship. Or you may believe that “my partner should never be attracted to anyone else”
Your jealousy may be fuelled by unrealistic ideas about relationships. These may include beliefs that past relationships (that your partner had) are a threat to your relationship. Or you may believe that “my partner should never be attracted to anyone else”. You may also believe that your emotions (of jealousy and anxiety) are a “sign” that there is a problem. We call this “emotional reasoning”—and it is often a very bad way to make decisions.
Or you may have problematic beliefs about how to feel more secure. For example, you may believe that you can force your partner to love you—or force him or her to lose interest in someone else. You may believe that withdrawing and pouting will send a message to your partner—and lead him to try to get closer to you. But withdrawing may lead your partner to lose interest.
Sometimes your assumptions about relationships are affected by your childhood experiences or past intimate relationships. If your parents had a difficult divorce because your father left your mother for someone else, you may be more prone to believe that this may happen to you. Or you may have been betrayed in a recent relationship and you now think that your current relationship will be a replay of this.
You may also believe that you have little to offer—who would want to be with you? If your jealousy is based on this belief, then you might examine the evidence for and against this idea. For example, one woman thought she had little to offer. But when I asked her what she would want in an ideal partner—intelligence, warmth, emotional closeness, creativity, fun, lots of interests— she realised that she was describing herself! If she were so undesirable, then why would she see herself as an ideal partner?
You don’t have to rely on jealousy and jealous behaviour to make your relationship more secure. You can use more effective behaviour. This includes becoming more rewarding to each other—“catch your partner doing something positive”. Praise each other, plan positive experiences with each other, and try to refrain from criticism, sarcasm, labelling, and contempt. Learn how to share responsibility in solving problems—use “mutual problem solving skills”. Set up “pleasure days” with each other by developing a “menu” of positive and pleasurable behaviors you want from each other. Jealousy seldom makes relationships more secure.
(The article is originally published in www.psychologytoday. com. The author My along with his colleague, Dennis Tirch published a paper on Jealousy—and how to handle it.)
By Robert L. Leahy
