It is not often these days that a college romance fructifies into a wedlock. Corporate Citizen unlocks the story of love that has culminated into marriage, for we believe in the stability of a relationship and family unit. We bring to you real-life romances that got sealed in marriage
Corporate couple Smitila and Vishal Barnabas believe commitment is compromise with a different spelling. "Sometimes it is calculated, sometimes it happens naturally. Either ways, you have to give in order to get," says the duo who's been married for over 17 years
This love story goes back to 1995. Two young engineers, Smitila and Vishal, employed with Bharat Forge. While he was a mechanical engineer, her specialisation was E &TC. Ambitious professionals both, neither had much time or space to notice the other in the rough and tumble of maintenance work. "He was just another guy at work, hard to notice beyond the soot and grime," she grins.
Or at least until the time she required to recruit his skills with her car.
"I used to drive a Maruti 800 that I managed to bang quite often," laughs Smitila. "And I was so scared of what my dad would say that instead of going to a mechanic, that instead, I decided to approach Vishal to help fix the damage ASAP, so dad wouldn't catch on."
Two-three similar mishaps later, they were friends. "He was chivalrous, helpful and kind," says Smitila. "In a fast-paced work environment it was nice to have someone to relate to. He was jovial and easy to talk to."
For his part, Vishal liked her simplicity and straightforward person. "She speaks her mind fearlessly-I really like that about her," he says. And so the conversations grew. Shared meals and long drives to Mahabaleshwar and Lonavala became a regular feature. "One fine day, he took me to meet his parents," she says. "While they were understanding and open to the relationship, there was a hitch. I am a South Indian Hindu Lingayat, while he's Christian. I needed time to convince them." But even as they would have wanted to be discreet, life had other plans. "It so happened that we decided to go out to Crystal Ball, one of the first lounge bars in Pune. Usually, we used to be part of a group. But the first time just the two of us hung out together, the newspapers decided to publish a photograph of the party that was happening at the Lounge," laughs Smitila. "So there we were, snapped together for all the world to see."
Luckily for her, only a couple of her cousins noticed. "Of course, they questioned me about it," she smiles. "But at least I was able to open the conversation about him."
One thing led to another, and her mother finally gave them her blessing. "She always did like him, but the difference in socio-cultural background was daunting for her. However, with the help of other relatives I managed to convince her." They were married in 1998.
Despite the fact that they had an inter-religious marriage, the differences never got in the way, says Vishal. "Frankly, I am not very religious, and I never forced anything on to her. It also helped our cause that my parents, trained MSWs both, had spent a decade abroad , and were liberal and receptive to her," he says.
The family celebrates both Christmas and Diwali amongst other festivals and rituals. Even the fact that Vishal and his family were nonvegetarians, and Smitila, a pure veg-did not prove to be a major irritant-as the family made it a point to accommodate her palate too. "While I had grown up with the fork and knife culture, it was through her I discovered the joys of eating by hand," shares Vishal. As time went on, Smitila began to eat a bit of non-veg as well.
A good 17 years and two kids-Neil (16) and Karan (14) later, the respect for differences has stood them in good stead.
As of today, Smitila (44) works as lead auditor (processes) with Kalyani Technologies, while Vishal (also 44) is Head Operations, India for Unipart Logistics.
Particular about achieving the right-work life balance Smitila has had to take long breaks from work for the kids-and stick to a job with regular timings, while Vishal travels extensively. "One partner must be the grounding factor at home, while the other can concentrate on their career. Otherwise things won't work out," she says.
Adds Vishal, "There's no relationship without compromise. Compromise can be both calculated, and spontaneous. In our case, she's adjusted a lot, and never made a fuss about my frequent absences".
Elaborating further, he says, "The corporate world today is fierce and competitive. If professionals have to grow, they can't be constrained by geography. However, I know of several younger colleagues who are having a tough time because their partners are not as understanding."
Having said that, Vishal adds that men, these days, have to respect their wife's education and aspirations as well. "Men must learn to take the backseat as well, and step down, every now and then.
Respect and adjustment have to be both ways" a point he reiterates even during the counseling session he has for young executives. It helps when senior executives like him share their life experiences. "Sure, my wife is understanding and supportive and takes on most of the responsibilities at home with regard to the boys and family, but I help out whenever I am home," he stresses. "Cooking is not a menial activity, neither is chipping in to help with the boys' studies."
Like most couples, who are also parents, bringing up the kids is an integral aspect of their lives. "I think we are a mix of both traditional and contemporary values," says Smitila.
"She's not only particular about the kids sticking to a certain discipline with regard to studies, but also how they behave otherwise. Truth be told, we're both pretty big on respect and courtesy towards others, be it elders in the family or the domestic help at home," says Vishal.
"We are very honest with our kids, apart from firmly adhering to the importance of delayed gratification. For instance, if they want something, they'll let us know-but won't expect us to buy it for them straightaway. The reason could be either that we don't think it's the right time for the children to have that particular thing, or it may not be our priority right then," says Smitila.
"They trust us to do the right thing for them, and don't argue over it." Quality time with the family means one short and long vacation every year, whereas the two of them like the occasional long drive or pubbing.
Like any relationship, friction is a given. However, both have a firm rule about not carrying forward arguments to the next day. "The good part is that both of us tend to be aware of where the fault actually lies-and the person in the wrong is the first to apologize," smiles Smitila. "Also, given his fondness for self-help books, he is much calmer and is able to put the situation in the right perspective."
Both Smitila and Vishal are non-judgmental about the phenomena of live in relationships-even though it was never part of their narrative.
"We are neither for it, nor against it. Whether it is marriage or a live-in, every relationship ultimately boils down to how serious two people are about each other. If they are, then, honestly, no piece of paper really matters," they say. "Besides, divorce is a painful, time-consuming and expensive process; so it is perhaps a good idea to get to know each other well."
"That said, the problem with youngsters, both in the personal and professional domain, is that they want everything, right here, right now-be it a great career, branded shoes or a fine-tuned marriage. I call it the mall culture-the one that wants instant success," says Vishal. "But honestly, that's not how it works.
There are no shortcuts to success. Life is like a test match and you need dedication, determination and patience to face the challenges that arise. And only if you are consistent over that duration will victory be yours. Never forget that rule even in marriage."
By Kalyani Sardesai
