Instead of pushing the strong concrete wall, one can think of breaking a part of it and creating a door to pass through! Sometimes just a small opportunity is all you need to channelise your energy towards what needs to be done on the other side of the wall
Have you been in a situation where you want things to happen in a certain way and they don’t? A response from a colleague isn’t what you expected, or a person you want to impress doesn’t give the positive reaction you had hoped for. And when this happens, do you feel like you are ‘pushing a wall’, trying to control things which are beyond your control to get what you want?
Just like the concrete wall will not budge, there are some things which are not in the realm of your control, or in line with what you want or can change. The colleague responded in their own way, not as you had wished, and someone who you wanted to impress will have their own views, completely different from what you may have expected! How do you react at such times? If you try to find out why the colleague isn’t responding, then you may be on to getting what you want. But if you get anxious and frustrated, persisting in trying to get what you want in the ‘way’ you want it, then you may be pushing a wall and wasting your energy.
Why do we try to control such situations, and how and when should we let go? This question can be best answered once we understand the purpose behind trying to control or change something. Here are a few reasons and some ways of dealing with such situations:
Sometimes we have very high expectations from ourselves. We feel that we should do everything right and never make mistakes. This happened with Danny. He moved to a new city and was going through a tough phase in life, caring for an ill parent and two small children. He was trying his best to handle a new team and project entrusted to him, wanting to be perfect in every role and task in his life. He gave it his all, but the load was too much and he started making errors which resulted in making the clients very unhappy. Disappointed and angry, he kept pushing himself further, spending long hours in the office. He refused to stop, analyse and resolve things like he should have and took on the entire workload alone without delegating, which could have helped ease his burden.
To add to this, Danny’s expectations from his team were that they put in extra hours and not complain about it. The team members were unhappy and escalated the issue to Danny’s manager. Utterly frustrated at the loss of control over the situation, Danny ended up angry, bitter and too sick to work.
Dealing with high expectations from self and others is possible if we recognise the fact that expectations may not be fulfilled in a way we want them to be. In Danny’s case, he could have taken it a little easy and taken the support of his team and family members. His team eventually committed to the temporary extra workload, but some relationships got affected due to the friction. Keeping the rational mind functioning well, and being flexible to see options in a problem situation are ways that can help us get around the wall, instead of pushing it to no avail!
We believe that we are in control of most things around us, including our own behaviour and feelings as well as others’. But this is far from true! We could be displaying many involuntary reactions based on how we feel and how people are responding to us. Let’s look at the example of Tina, who was hoping to get a promotion for over a year, but had still not got one. She went through many conflicts with her manager and repeatedly reacted with anger and sarcasm. Her mood often affected her work, and she kept trying to convince her manager about how good she was, and why she should have got the promotion the previous year. Had she raised her awareness of her behaviour and how stuck she was on getting a specific outcome, she could have handled the situation better.
Awareness and acceptance of reality could have helped her to change her behavior and manage emotions. Instead of pushing the strong concrete wall, one can think of breaking a part of it and creating a door to pass through! Some-times just a small opportunity is all you need to channelise your energy towards what needs to be done on the other side of the wall. Tina saw such an opportunity in a new project she was assigned. Resolving to let go of the past, she gave herself a peptalk aimed at a positive outcome. She was amazed to see how it resulted in peace within and productivity in her performance. With an increased focus on her work she managed to recreate favorable impressions that ultimately got her the promotion!
To summarise, here are the ways of dealing with situations that are out of your control or you want changed:
We believe that we are in control of most things around us, including our own behaviour and feelings as well as others’. But, this is far from true! We could be displaying many involuntary reactions based on how we feel and how people are responding to us
Stop, and think. Avoid deliberating over emotions and analyse what exactly has happened that is against your wish or expectation. Look for the truth in the situation and separate issues that are interlinked. For instance, a tendency to generalise ‘this always happens to me’ is unnecessary while analysing. A rational thought process will make things clear and help you accept the situation.
Question yourself, how does this matter to you in the long run? If you have really started thinking rationally, you will find an answer to this question and might see it either as trivial or enormous! Based on your insight, engage in further questioning of how current behaviour is helping/not helping you, and commit to a change in your behaviour.
Once you accept the reality, it is easier to surrender to it and roll up your sleeves to craft the outcome you truly desire. In the examples we saw, Danny had no clue about how he wanted the situation to end, but Tina created a vision for herself and adapted her behavior to achieve it.
Even though we know otherwise, our tendency to compare ourselves with others is high! True wisdom is in knowing and accepting this, and systematically detangling yourself from it. A realisation that you are pushing a wall which is not going to move or change, is a way of allowing yourself to be who you are. This will help to not take others, judgments too seriously and bring out your own full potential, rather than competing with others.
You can control and change your own thoughts, feelings, behaviours and responses. You can choose how you interpret others, opinions and certain realities of life. Your choices of your life-style, education and life goals are in your control. Investing yourself wisely in what you can change and what you can’t, can be a differentiator between you and others! Those who fret over others, behaviours and try to change them are bound to end up in an unending loop of inaction and frustration. Control is not always undesirable. A strong wall has a purpose of existence, and so do the challenging situations in your life. But spending your time and energy over identifying what is in your purview and what is not, requires deliberation. Know the difference and work on it. This will help you find the key to your peace, potential and well-being!
