Marriage-Mindshift

A matchmaker’s 33-years perspective on the changing complexion of marriages; the expectations of girls and boys, and the parents’ role. Read on, for an insightful interview with Nandini Dange, founder of Harmony Matrimony in Pune

Corporate Citizen: You’ve been in the field for over three decades now. What changes have you observed in the institution of marriage, particularly in the age at which women are getting married?

Nandini Dange: Earlier, girls would get married by the age of 18 to 20 years, it was considered the norm. Now, 31 or 32 years is the average age for marriage. In fact, 35 years seems to be the new average these days.

CC: That’s quite a shift. What do you think has brought about this change?

A lot of it has to do with education and financial independence. Girls today are highly educated, earning extremely well-some as much as Rs 40–50 lakhs per annum. They’ve become very selective. Earlier, girls would consider family background, values and character. Today, many focus primarily on the package – salary, whether the boy owns a flat, what company he works for, where he stays, how he dresses. Family background has taken a back seat.

CC: Do you feel the expectations have become more materialistic?

Not entirely materialistic, but definitely more demanding. Girls see their parents well-settled and expect the same from a prospective groom. However, they forget that their parents struggled to reach where they are today. A man in his 20s or early 30s can’t be expected to have a car, flat, and hefty savings. Maturity and stability, come closer to 40.

CC: What about boys? Have their expectations evolved?

Surprisingly, not much. Every boy wants a girl like his mother — fair, good-looking, homely, working, and simultaneously managing the house and taking care of his parents. They never pause to reflect on what they bring to the table. Many boys still hold on to traditional ideals.

CC: Do joint families remain a point of contention?

Absolutely. One of the biggest issues today is that girls increasingly do not want joint families. Many explicitly state “no joint family” in their preferences. They expect the boy to move out and stay separately from day one. But, boys often feel torn— they can’t just abandon their parents, and rightly so. This mismatch is creating serious friction.

"There are beautiful marriages where mutual respect and understanding exist. Particularly in cosmopolitan families, where cultural rigidity is minimal"

— Nandini Dange

CC: Do girls express interest in having children?

That's another trend we’re noticing. Many girls today are unsure or outright uninterested in having children. They say, "We just want to live with our partner, that’s enough." It's a growing sentiment.

CC: How many marriages are lasting in the long run, based on your experience?

Sadly, only about 20% of marriages today are stable, lasting and happy. Especially, many love marriages fall apart because the groundwork wasn’t strong. Arranged marriages, on the other hand, are seeing a bit of a resurgence, because families take time to evaluate compatibility, background and values.

CC: Has the fascination with settling abroad waned?

Yes, quite a bit. Many girls say, “We don’t want to wash utensils and roll papads abroad. We’d rather stay here, have domestic help and live comfortably.” India’s standard of living has improved, especially for the urban-middle and upper-middle classes.

CC: Are second marriages common now, both among youngsters and seniors?

Very much so. And sadly, many young girls born in the mid-90s are coming back for second marriages. Often, it’s because of in-laws who haven’t changed with time. There are still families where girls are expected to adjust overnight, handle large households, and follow rigid routines. I've seen heartbreaking cases, like a girl who was slapped by her father-in-law because lunch was served five minutes late. She had just entered a 15-people household, in a two-bedroom flat. It was traumatic.

CC: That’s horrifying. Do families mislead the girls and their families?

Unfortunately, yes. I recently had a case where a very well-off, beautiful girl was misled by her in-laws. They told her, they were transferring property in her name, but later she realised all her signatures were used to transfer her assets to her husband. She lost everything. It’s incredibly painful to watch this happen.

Making Marriage Work

• Mutual respect: Honour each other’s opinions, choices and individuality.
• Open communication: Speak honestly and listen actively without judgment.
• Shared values: Align on core beliefs, goals and life priorities.
• Quality time: Make time for each other regularly, without distractions.
• Emotional support: Be each other’s safe space during ups and downs.
• Trust and transparency: Build and maintain trust through honesty and reliability.
• Healthy conflict resolution: Disagree respectfully and seek solutions, not victories.
• Appreciation and gratitude: Express love, praise and thankfulness, often.
• Shared responsibilities: Balance roles, duties and parenting (if any), fairly.
• Continual growth: Evolve together through shared experiences and personal growth.

CC: Are there success stories you’ve seen?

Oh yes, many. There are beautiful marriages where mutual respect and understanding exist. Particularly in cosmopolitan families, where cultural rigidity is minimal. For those who prefer to stick to community-based matches, challenges are more common

CC: What’s your advice to parents and the young generation?

For parents—give the girl time to understand the new family. Six months is what I suggest. Just like a plant that needs time to adapt to new soil, let her learn the household habits, culture and personalities. For in-laws, especially mother-in-laws— respect the girl’s education and career. Don't expect her to wake up early, cook, clean, go to work, and then serve hot rotis at 1 p.m. sharp. That’s unreasonable.

For girls: Be a little flexible. Marriage is about companionship, not shopping for a perfect profile.

For boys: Don’t expect a superwoman. Look inward, ask what you offer in return.

CC: What’s your take on extravagant weddings?

If they have the money, why not. These weddings generate employment — for caterers, decorators, tailors, musicians, makeup artists. But, what worries me is that families are often more invested in the event than in ensuring compatibility. That’s what really matters, because the wedding lasts a day, but the marriage is for life.

CC: This truly highlights the complex, evolving nature of marriage in our society.

I just hope more people focus on the right things, when it comes to building a life together.