A celebration of differences

A wise man once said, “Diversity is not about how we differ, diversity is about embracing one another’s uniqueness". Corporate couple Sonam Shrivastava and her significant half, Anand Rao, would attest to this. Married for six years and courted for eight, their different cultural backgrounds have only seen their relationship grow stronger. Little Ishanya, all of two, completes the circle

Understanding each other’s customs and ways takes time and effort when both spouses come from different states. But, the way you pray and eat and celebrate are mere detail, avers 33-year-old Sonam Shrivastava. “The heart of the matter, meaning the most important aspect of a relationship, remains the strength and steadfastness of your commitment to each other. Prioritise your bond, and everything else falls in place,” she says.

A North Indian from UP, she married her South Indian, Telugu speaking boyfriend of many years, despite the accepted wisdom that inter-cultural marital alliances are hard to keep going. “But we were firm that we wanted to be together, and everything worked out eventually in our favour. The families gave us their blessings,” she shares.

Back to the beginning

This story was first scripted in the course of their college years in Nagpur. “We met through a common friend, and got along well,” shares Sonam. The differences in their personalities took the friendship ahead. “I am more social, though he takes time to open up. But he is straightforward, patient and caring and those are wonderful, admirable qualities.

On his part, Anand admires her practical, realistic personality as well as the fact that she gives her all to any task or relationship she takes up.

A few more meetings and conversations later, they understood that they wished to be together. And, thus followed eight years of courtship, during which the duo studied and worked their way up. There were a few tense moments with family too, given the cultural differences, but those were ironed out given their determination to be together.

“Many a time, couples who make a love match, don’t spend enough time together to understand each other well,” expresses Anand. “It’s usually a whirlwind courtship followed by a quick marriage, and sadly, a quick falling out as well. To avoid that, it’s important to see each other through different seasons and understand each other well. Luckily, Sonam and I have spent enough time together as friends, so it is easy to work through differences.”

"The most important aspect of a relationship, remains the strength and steadfastness of your commitment to each other. Prioritise your bond, and everything else falls in place"

-Sonam Shrivastava

From strength to strength

Currently, the couple is based in Pune given their jobs. While Sonam is employed as a specialist trainer with Allstate Pvt Ltd, Anand works with Zensar Technologies as a senior business consultant. Life is hectic but rewarding, especially with two-year-old Ishanya in the picture. “We both share the responsibility of chores and handling the little one,” says Sonam. “It helps that he is a very hands-on dad, who is actively involved in caring for her.”

Maintaining work-life balance is an ongoing challenge for the young family, but Sonam and Anand spend quality time together by checking out different restaurants and binge-watching Netflix on weekends. “He’s a foodie, whereas OTT is my thing,” smiles Sonam. “So naturally, we end up doing both.”

“Other than that, it’s great fun to shop online and exchange views on stuff like household items and items of personal effect,” says Anand.

Given that they have been married for six years and have known each other for way longer than that, what would they term as the pillars of a marriage? “Believe in each other,” says Sonam. “Trust each other, and make sure your spouse feels secure and comfortable with you. It gives without saying that respect is all-important as well. We respect each other equally; he is not the one to demand more simply because he is the husband.”

“Basically,” says Anand, “marriage is a symbiotic relationship. You are both supposed to be the other’s strength. Given that we both come from different backgrounds, it’s important to make each other feel included in both little and big things. For example, when we are together with my side of the family, we make sure that we don’t speak exclusively in Telugu, as she doesn’t understand it.”

Like every couple, they fight as well, but the differences in their basic temperaments are a plus here.

“I am the hot-tempered one, who reacts spontaneously to things, while he is much more patient,” grins Sonam. “So, he lets me vent at that moment, and later on, when I have calmed down, he explains his viewpoint to me,” she adds.

Anand concurs, “It’s important not to react at the spur of the moment. Even if your spouse is wrong, it just doesn’t help to point it out then and there. Wait till they are in a better mood before having tough conversations. In a calmer frame of mind, they are much more likely to accept your side of things.”

THE MANTRAS OF MARRIAGE

• Trust and respect
• Sharing responsibilities
• Prioritising each other
• Care and consideration

Bringing up baby

Despite being a working mother who needs the back-up of a nanny/day care, Sonam believes in being as hands-on and involved in little Ishanya’s life as possible. “The early years are so critical,” she says. “Kids grow and learn at an amazing space, so it’s important for mom and dad to be around as much as possible. The play way method is the best and most effective way for them to learn,” she adds.

So what is their approach towards her education going to be like, in the years to come? “I am the more relaxed parent, whereas he is the one who is more studious,” laughs Sonam.

“That is true but having grown up with the straight jacket of academic rigour and discipline, I am all too aware of what it has cost me in terms of hobbies and extra-curricular activities,” says Anand. “So, I would like her to balance studies with the development of other facets of her personality,” he rounds off.